SLOWLY BUT SURELY

I am currently on the precipice of a half a century crisis. My love life, my job, and my confidence are taking a downward plummet into oblivion. WHY!!!!!!! The constant nag of my inner voice needs to shut the hell up. Yes, I am attached to attention and fiend for it constantly. Yes, I feel inadequate compared to the counterparts I work with. Yes, I don't know how to act as a single women. What the hell do I do next? During times of distress and uncertainty my auto-pilot kicks in and I want to fly away. I want to kaiak to an abandoned island away from pompous, pretentious, ugly people whose only purpose in life is to tear people's buildings down (specifically MINE) in order to fulfill their void of acceptance. They were probably the kids in class that was bullied and laughed at. They must have had exceptional thoughts of how they would achieve revenge from their antagonists therefore, plotting their attack in adulthood. URGH. Slowly but surely I am learning to be. I am faced with adversity at every turn. BUT! I am calling an end to my pity party. HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! I will admit. I have never experienced such an awful trifecta. I'm not saying bad, annoying, extremely lonely moments won't come. Which I am sure they are lining up to strike me at any time. What I am saying is that I will overcome the turbulence quickly. Either I control my spectrum of emotions or I turn to substances that will numb me temporarily until I accept defeat. The latter is not an option. However, I will douse myself into activities that will challenge and kick my ass for the most part. The goal is not necessarily to be the best at it but to simply finish it. For me to say, "yup I did it and I loved each agonizing step to the end" is like stuffing deluxe chili cheese fries in my mouth. Oh the pain! Especially when I associate "fast" and all food (BIG MAC MEAL) with great company and happy times in a parking lot shoving the food down my throat and smiling at the same time. It is definitely a mind blowing experience.

Cheers

Hello again,

I know. I have ignored you on my bookmark bar forever and now I feel it is appropriate for me to start embracing you again. Things have changed drastically since the last time I was on and for the most part it is for the better.

I struggle with my feelings. They arise at any moment throughout my day and it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, it comes. Most of the time it isn't welcomed nor have I built up my endurance to keep my breath steady and let the moment pass. It is definitely a creeper and man oh man it takes me on a whirlwind ride.

Speaking about creepers.... Last night I have never in my entire 26 years of living has ever experience such a travesty until now.

Location: Downtown

Destination: Parking Garage

My bestie and I were waiting to get into an elevator. We waited for the big group of people to go ahead of us. I made us wait for the next one, thinking about how I can't stand small spaces with different people breathing the same recycled air. EWWWW...

BIG MISTAKE.

As IBZ chats away (thank god she did) a guy came from no where and literally posted himself about an arms length away as he stared fiercely at both of us. This isn't any kind of stare either, this was the kind where it makes your skin crawl and you feel violated because the guy never blinks. This stare is the kind where you can feel his thoughts encircle you as he manifests it in his mind. I decided to ignore it since the elevator came quickly and we all got in. Well as she keeps talking I am more than aware that this guy is dangerous. I can hear him laugh to himself and mutter things under his breath. Time has never passed so slowly. I felt like I was in a scary movie. My fight/flight response was immediately in alert I was scared. I could feel his being. It was forceful and evil. The doors open and hand in hand with IBZ I force our way out of the elevator. It was halfway open and I pushed us through. Thank god there were people on the floor because as we walked he followed. He followed us to the car. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I have never been so terrified. I don't watch many scary movies but I felt this scene was right out of one. As we got in the car he stayed a couple feet back and just watched us drive away. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because he was so demonic. His presence was nothing I have ever encountered. As we rounded the corner he started walking away.

Buddy system works only if you are with guys. Two girls only create a greater opportunity.

What blows my mind is that this guy "looked" normal. There were no signs of being a creeper from his attire or look. All I know is that this will never happen ever again.