Refreshing

My little cousin came home for the week and I spent a lot of time with her.

During our time together I realized I laughed more, spent more time making funny faces, and 

when I was away from her noticed how my silliness continued.

What a breath of fresh air, really.  When I met her new roomie I was reminded of pure adolescent innocence (I couldn't believe there was someone more naive than ausbus!). The word that fits perfectly is completely impressionable.  

I started thinking that maybe because I'm years older with more stress to "act my age" that I've lost that "fun."  It may have diminished greatly.  The way they ran, talked, smiled, and looked at everything around them they found cute or amusing or a pain.  I was pleasantly surprised how I found them very animated.  But then again many people are animated.  However, this was a different kind.. The kind when a little girl steps in FAO Schwartz and sees huge stuffed animals and her expression is priceless.

I've never understood when adults watch little kids and say I remember when I acted like that.  Must be nice not to have a care in the world.  

When I left Ausbus and picked up my boyfriend I was still talking in an english accent and bopping my head around singing and driving.  I looked and him and I could tell my awesome attitude was rubbing off just like how ausley's rubs off on me and just like me I could tell he didn't know what to think cause its so foreign but welcomed it and sat in a smiling silence just listening to me.  

Although my cousin is years younger than me I've learned so much from her and her actions alone.  

It was amazingly refreshing.  A pleasant grateful attitude goes a long way and touches more than one person directly and indirectly.  

What a great lessoned learned.  

Explanation

I am a Gemini.  It is always hot or cold.

Easy or Hard.  Miserable or Ecstatic.  

I experience polar extremes for everything...

I constantly remind myself it is not the end of the world.

It is not the end of the world.  I swear sometimes I feel crazy.

And I feel silly for my erratic thoughts,

But then again, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

Swinging on a pendulum

I am so irritated I feel that the only place I can vent is here right now.  So here goes.

Well first of all I hate how people don't know how to fix a problem I just don't get it.  Is it so hard to talk things out and maybe get to the root of the problem instead of fixing the symptoms fix the cause?!!!!!  Why is it such a mystery?!!  Especially for my bf whom I fight on a periodical basis with.  Has he not fully learned how to solve a squabble yet!!!  For goodness gracious I have alleviated all efforts in not bringing it up when we are in public but for some reason when we talk about it privately now his solution seems to be..  Well I fixed it so its not my problem its yours.  WTF!  

Well 2nd of all if its my problem then automatically it is yours too.  And instead of concentrating on why I'm upset why don't we concentrate on fixing what makes me upset.

OMG I just don't understand what I should do cause if I ignore my feelings then I'm not being genuine but then again it may build to a point where a potential bomb may explode.  But if I address the situation and my feelings then it establishes our expectations and how to fix it and what to do or fix or it solidifies that I am a crazy neurotic gf who thinks "that" all the time.  So either way I seem crazy or I don't know anymore what makes me most upset is his lack of effort to address the situation in hopes that maybe I'll just drop it.  

So it makes me think well... I guess I should just care less.  Maybe then I won't be so sensitive and whatever happens well.... whatevers clever right???  Maybe I take things toooo seriously.  Maybe I just cry for no reason cause its not like I wake him from his slumber as I type furiously and sniffle sneeze every so often.

And what is crazy is in the midst of my fury I'm reading a book where this statement clearly defines me perfectly...  Great timing holy shit.

..."If i love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I  will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family.  I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check.  I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

The author states she has been involved with a guy each overlapping the next for the past 19 years.. Me each overlapping the next for a decade now... 

I almost shite myself reading.  This is how I have always been.  

I know its taking a toll on my perspective because once happy now am a bit cynical not fully but increasingly more and more as time passes. 

Honestly one day I may just fuck it all and leave.  Once my breaking point is reached this time I may just be that girl who hates all men good or bad I don't care.  And believe me if you know me I would never say or react like this ever about relationships or men.  

I'm a hopeless romantic who believes in fair tale endings.. now I'm scared to admit they actually may not exist.  The biggest surprise ever is that after I stop giving a shit I'm not interested in another new penis at all..  I may be learning how to love loneliness in the near future. 

Eye Opener

I had a very eventful weekend.  Graduation celebrations everyday.  My girlfriend of almost a decade is going into Family Law.  She is witness to awful awful circumstances Child Protective Services (CPS) deals with.  People who are doped up on drugs during pregnancy bringing children into this world as crack heads and meth addicts craving drugs right from the get go.  

I can only imagine working with these people on a daily basis, people who continually corrupt their family tree and worst yet... Bringing their seed into this world tainted from the beginning.  

She told the story how a little girl played kitchen... not with pots and pans but standing by the sink and slapping her inner arm pretending to shoot up heroin like her mother.   

I have never witnessed anything soo disturbing and am very glad I haven't because I would be a completely different person.. I have only met a couple cynical people in my life and always questioned how they came to be.  What circumstances did they experience to gain their attitude and way of thinking?  

My initial thought would be... "Jeez how miserable are they?!.. How can they have no confidence in anything?"  Why are they so mad at the world??

Realizing how I'm so quick to judge makes me feel bad..

Don't get me wrong.. I am a firm believer that we have control over our emotions.. But now I believe that is half the truth.  That only applies to people who come into this world competent without vices as a baby.

Then there are individuals who came into the world loved but just as time passes so did their hope.. Stripping it little by little until there is no more.  Ultimately and subconsciously inviting  diseases and psychiatric disorders of the mind.

Then there are people who are fine like me who experience good and bad but are naive of the Bad BAD and when I hear stories such as this am oh so ever GRATEFUL. 

I could never have the guts to endure what that little girl goes through..  I can only imagine their perspective on life.  

Because people think, feel, and say what they know.  

We can only speak of experience, that is why the best advice is from someone who has already endured that circumstance.  

What people say is a direct reflection of their experiences and life as is.  No wonder God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth.  I think this is his way of teaching us how listening is more important than speaking.  Which I must say is something I must exercise and tame.

I could never put myself in a position where this would be my environment on a daily basis. An optimistic person would immediately turn sour just from the mere exposure of these hopeless situations.  

Why be a family lawyer??  When the money isn't abundant... 

Deanna's Answer... "I'm not doing this for the money, I'm fighting for the cause."  

My answer... "You are definitely stronger than me."

Love Quickies

Hello again.. I must admit I have been absorbed and therefore has tension building and am now ready to release a bit of it.

I don't have enough time to really delve into it so here is something we all must enjoy every now and then... A quick little quickie..

Location: UNLV Leid Library
Time: Tuesday night
Studying: Market Research
Thinking About: What the hell am I going to do after school!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this topic has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks now. I am graduating in Dec. 09
crazy as it sounds... I'm NOT excited to go work.. A huge bummer is that I don't have the luxury to just stay in Academia forever therefore, I must find a job. Reality is once I find a job... I'll be working for the next 40 years of my life. HOLY HELL! 40 YEARS....

When I talk about this to my boyfriend he thinks I'm just Lazy.
So be it! My cry falls on his deaf ears...

Honestly who is excited to graduate and work!!?? why? why? I'm leaving everything I love. I love fighting for parking, staying in the library till the sun is long gone, stressing about busy work. and cramming for tests. I mean its what I do best.

I love being a student. People ask me my occupation and I say proudly, "I go to school." Yay! Now that the end is near I have regrets.. My biggest and only one is going to class. My freakin GPA would be amazing if I only attended class everyday. Those bastards who count attendance I wish them a stinky fridge with spoiled milk... its because of their policy my GPA suffered.

I'm quite a hard worker so working isn't a problem for me.. what is a problem is working at a place I enjoy spending my days at. The people is another huge factor... Ohhh Jeeezz and I understand that I can't get along with everyone but dammit if I have to see your face everyday i beg to like you cause I will be miserable and I was not put on this wonderful planet to be miserable staring at a human beings face!!!

Seriously I'd rather stay in school or hit the lotto..

I've been contemplating getting my Masters in Psychology.. I wanna work for the state department. Maybe something in behavioral analysis... Gosh who knows... Watch my career path take me to a place I would have never imagined. All I know is I'm not attached.

I'm more concerned about the experiences. I'd rather fill my cup full of wonderful great experiences which I'd like to have during my prime.... between the ages of 26-38 not spend them in an office somewhere withering away computing figures and creating analysis.
Ugh I'd rather listen to a monotone man anyday!

Taking into consideration..

Today I spoke to my wonderful innocent cousin whose only crime is over-reacting during times of her premenstrual cycle, the goal of the conversation was meant to have her set up her own blog.

There are 3 of us.  Me, Meg Meg, and AusBus.  The pendulum swings from mean to nice, vindictive to forgiving, and being loudly opinionated to whispering criticisms.  A great balance :)

Well Ausbus being the youngest and with the most pure of heart has unpredicted violent emotional but quite hilarious outbursts at completely the wrong times.  Not so enjoyable for her but from an outside perspective to a person that isn't within her firing range it is very very amusing.  

Bottom line, if she made a blog and posted her daily battles about her emotional roller coaster rides it would be a pure success.. if i was a publisher we'd be discussing book titles.

Her answer:  I'll consider it....  

Quote

"It is only at the precipice do we evolve."

Tis the season..

to be sneezing, scratchy, puffy eyes, and a backed up nose... 

my skin is itchy I can't stop scratching ... I'm not haaappy 

I'm really miserable.

ohhh the suffering uugghh....

My tribute to MM

So MM just introduced me to blogspot.com I just got done writing this and was going to post it on myspace... but since I now have a blogspot… waaalaaa!

… Don’t mind me this is how I get my rocks off without permanently damaging someone’s optical nerve. 

Someone right now whom I love so dearly is currently drenched in sweat, in a room where if you breathe in too deep your lungs may burst, chasing the idea of cleansing her soul.  

MM has triggered this in me and thus is the source of this entry. 

It can be said in many ways...Cleansing the soul, mending a broken heart, absolutely not giving a damn and getting inebriated to the point of no return… coping comes in many forms… uncontrollable shopping, tattoos, partying, bikram yoga… but in the end its avoidance… from everyone and everything that is breathing and talking.   The happier the individual the farther I want to stick my fingers in their eye. 

Honest Vulgarity … I just bought it.

I can judge myself and say that I am quite an optimistic person, but I have my days where the train has completely derailed and is full steam ahead.   Although rare… but in occurrence I have premeditated all outcomes to flee and by then it has come to my attention that this may be the beginning of an end and everyone only gets 1 second chance if that…

Now I’m not just talking about love… I’m talking about all the silly things we do in order to escape…love just happens to affect females mightily at all stages in life.  Escape not from reality… But from fighting to get our power back.  Yes from fighting to get our power back.   Further elaborating…

Sadly everyone I believe goes through this many times in a lifetime… I believe it is unavoidable because we are not supreme deities therefore the only thing that is controllable is the recovery time.  Maybe if you are a master of portion control than that too but for most of us it is dusting off the dirt we fell in, and if aware, possibly being professional picker uppers.

The wrath of SM… Deep down inside I believe there is a point of no return.  A boiling point.  A fine line between acceptable to holy crap you have crossed the forbidden unforgiving line.  But for some reason females are very good, professional maybe at accepting and forgiving or putting up with whoever’s crap that completely rids them of their dignity and power that soon enough the very thing they loathe has become them.  Stripped of their beauty, powerless, and pissed off we blame everyone else but ourselves.  That the reason we have become this product is because it was forced upon us.  Which in my eyes if you ask me is bullshit.  Movie:  Made of Honor

Dad says to the daughter… “Every women’s love life is how she wants it to be.”  

Nothing is forced on anyone.  There will always be underlying reasons as to why we react or don’t. 

Truth has been told no one will take care of you as good as you.  Words are spoken lightly nowadays and trusting words may be just a waste of time.  Actions hold a bit of accountability.  But when the day comes where enough is enough I just hope there is courage within to muster up the power.  Walking away may be the hardest thing but most appropriate. 

The biggest challenge maybe believing in oneself but once you do that power that was taken away comes right back with a vengeance.. 

I’m talking to myself but because this came to me so easily I know someone may read it and stop buying excuses because excuses are expensive.