SLOWLY BUT SURELY

I am currently on the precipice of a half a century crisis. My love life, my job, and my confidence are taking a downward plummet into oblivion. WHY!!!!!!! The constant nag of my inner voice needs to shut the hell up. Yes, I am attached to attention and fiend for it constantly. Yes, I feel inadequate compared to the counterparts I work with. Yes, I don't know how to act as a single women. What the hell do I do next? During times of distress and uncertainty my auto-pilot kicks in and I want to fly away. I want to kaiak to an abandoned island away from pompous, pretentious, ugly people whose only purpose in life is to tear people's buildings down (specifically MINE) in order to fulfill their void of acceptance. They were probably the kids in class that was bullied and laughed at. They must have had exceptional thoughts of how they would achieve revenge from their antagonists therefore, plotting their attack in adulthood. URGH. Slowly but surely I am learning to be. I am faced with adversity at every turn. BUT! I am calling an end to my pity party. HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! I will admit. I have never experienced such an awful trifecta. I'm not saying bad, annoying, extremely lonely moments won't come. Which I am sure they are lining up to strike me at any time. What I am saying is that I will overcome the turbulence quickly. Either I control my spectrum of emotions or I turn to substances that will numb me temporarily until I accept defeat. The latter is not an option. However, I will douse myself into activities that will challenge and kick my ass for the most part. The goal is not necessarily to be the best at it but to simply finish it. For me to say, "yup I did it and I loved each agonizing step to the end" is like stuffing deluxe chili cheese fries in my mouth. Oh the pain! Especially when I associate "fast" and all food (BIG MAC MEAL) with great company and happy times in a parking lot shoving the food down my throat and smiling at the same time. It is definitely a mind blowing experience.

Cheers

Hello again,

I know. I have ignored you on my bookmark bar forever and now I feel it is appropriate for me to start embracing you again. Things have changed drastically since the last time I was on and for the most part it is for the better.

I struggle with my feelings. They arise at any moment throughout my day and it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, it comes. Most of the time it isn't welcomed nor have I built up my endurance to keep my breath steady and let the moment pass. It is definitely a creeper and man oh man it takes me on a whirlwind ride.

Speaking about creepers.... Last night I have never in my entire 26 years of living has ever experience such a travesty until now.

Location: Downtown

Destination: Parking Garage

My bestie and I were waiting to get into an elevator. We waited for the big group of people to go ahead of us. I made us wait for the next one, thinking about how I can't stand small spaces with different people breathing the same recycled air. EWWWW...

BIG MISTAKE.

As IBZ chats away (thank god she did) a guy came from no where and literally posted himself about an arms length away as he stared fiercely at both of us. This isn't any kind of stare either, this was the kind where it makes your skin crawl and you feel violated because the guy never blinks. This stare is the kind where you can feel his thoughts encircle you as he manifests it in his mind. I decided to ignore it since the elevator came quickly and we all got in. Well as she keeps talking I am more than aware that this guy is dangerous. I can hear him laugh to himself and mutter things under his breath. Time has never passed so slowly. I felt like I was in a scary movie. My fight/flight response was immediately in alert I was scared. I could feel his being. It was forceful and evil. The doors open and hand in hand with IBZ I force our way out of the elevator. It was halfway open and I pushed us through. Thank god there were people on the floor because as we walked he followed. He followed us to the car. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I have never been so terrified. I don't watch many scary movies but I felt this scene was right out of one. As we got in the car he stayed a couple feet back and just watched us drive away. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because he was so demonic. His presence was nothing I have ever encountered. As we rounded the corner he started walking away.

Buddy system works only if you are with guys. Two girls only create a greater opportunity.

What blows my mind is that this guy "looked" normal. There were no signs of being a creeper from his attire or look. All I know is that this will never happen ever again.

Boiling Point

Dear Lie,

I wear glasses to hide my puffy tired eyes. Allergies? Tears.

I down 2 shots of espresso daily. Lack of sleep? Emotionally Drained.

High blood pressure. Runs in the family.. My body is fighting with me.

Nag. All I want is some fucking attention. Maybe a conversation about the future. Maybe something we can both plan for and run away to.

Crazy. I feel like I speak to a wall.

Happy. Only with the surface.

Disappointed. Daily. The important questions and answers are spoken lightly.

Patience. Running thin.

Consideration. Flew out the window.

2 weeks. Test.

2 years. Breaking point.

Therapy: Details in the fabric. Thank you Jason Mraz.

Tonight. Silence.

Fuck is such an ugly word. It brings too many visuals to mind. It is a word that encompasses many meanings. When you attach a you to the end of fuck then it is the ultimate low blow. It is complete disrespect with no regard of how the other person feels. I would rather be called a bitch than have someone say fuck you.

Maybe I should practice fueling the fire.

FUCK YOU

GREAT FIND

This thing called the Internet is amazing... the virtual world at my fingertips??? I can't imagine not being able to find anything. Unfortunately, I am not a surfer and could care less looking to entertain myself in this big ole' cyber world. I did google myself but that is the farthest my curiosity will take me.

Yes I will be an old geezer mad at apple for complicating everything and taking over the world.

But I must admit this website fully satisfies my technologically savvy self.... **drum roll please*** stumbleupon.com

It has a list of random topics you can choose from. Particularly topics you are interested in such as photography, fashion, self improvement, politics... whatever. then you click on the stumble upon button and it takes you to pages regarding the topic you choose!!! It is genius! I can stumble for hours!

This website fulfills me. Or should I say completes me... A perfect segway to Tool Academy.

Now if you did not see the episode of Tool Academy circling around infidelity... YOU HAVE TO especially when you have a tough day at work or traffic pissed you off.. WHY? Because when that guy cries all of his facial muscles turn against him cause holy hell he is hilarious looking. Sorry my empathetic side lacks tactfulness which is a huge reason I cannot pursue anything in which I must overly take concern for other people. Cause honestly if you look ridiculous I have to leave the room and laugh quietly in the hallway...

Trust me you watch him, your day will be 100% brighter.

Mercy Me

Acting a certain way certainly isn't conducive to what a persons morals and values may be. But then again tap dancing for show isn't a great way to earn a living either. Tonight I learned that not everyone will be my personal cheerleader nor will I be one for others but what really hit home for me is how easily hurt I can be not from the blows of a fist but from a sharp tongue.

Whether it is true or false I am victim to thoughts in my head as well as others about me. Being a master controller of what flows in and out of my cerebrum isn't quite an easy job and sometimes gets the best of me.

Tonight is the first night in my big girl shoes that I drove home in a puddle of tears but as I think and absorb the events. I realize that everyone can be a friend but very few people can have the title of trust. What really blows my mind is that for the first time in my life I feel like I'm on the other side of the fence. I'm still new at this game of chess but misdirection is a bitch and building a golden bridge for the enemy to retreat is sweet victory..

Oh mercy to whom has awaken the sleeping dragon

OLDIE BUT GOODIE

This entry was written about 2 years ago.

This has become my testament, the embodiment of my belief.

THROUGH THICK AND THIN .. WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING TO LEARN ABOUT UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I REALIZE PEOPLE WILL COME AND GO IN LIFE AND THE ONLY CONSTANT WAVE IS FAMILY. I AM LEARNING.. THE HEART HAS ITS REASON THAT REASON DOES NOT KNOW. JUDGEMENT IS HARSH BUT HEY WE ARE HUMAN AND THAT IS OUR DEFAULT. AWARENESS IS CRUCIAL. LOVE IS ESSENTIAL. GOALS AND ASPIRATIONS ARE SOO VERY IMPORTANT. ATTITUDE IS THE LAST OF THE HUMAN FREEDOMS, AND WHEN EVERYTHING HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OUR ATTITUDE WILL BE THE ONLY DRIVING FORCE IN LIFE. I LOVE PEOPLE WHO LOVE THEMSELVES, WHO PUT THEMSELVES FIRST, WHO STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE EVEN IN THIS WONDERFUL ECONOMY WE CURRENTLY HAVE. BECAUSE THROUGH SELF LOVE PERMEATES SUCH A STRONG ENERGY THAT NO ONE CAN RESIST THROUGH WHICH LESSONS ARE LEARNED, RELATIONSHIPS ARE CULTIVATED, ONLY TO REALIZE ONCE WE TRULY ACCEPT AND ARE HAPPY WITH OURSELVES THE UNIVERSE WILL CONSPIRE TO MAKE OUR DESIRES HAPPEN. I AM WORKING ON MY ESSENCE. -7.13.08 SM

Brain Slosh

"What you have around you influences your happiness."

Yes. I am guilty for watching tv shows that do absolutely nothing for my I.Q.

But on the flip side have never laughed sooo hard in spite of another persons "reality life."

Currently i get a kick out of watching keeping up with the Kardashians. Now if that just doesn't put a smile on your face (and no I am not talking about Kim's body) then there is something wrong with you. The best episode yet is when Khloe makes a "sexy" tape for her beau Odom... HAHAHHAHAAA what an epic fail... The effort is priceless but seriously everything with that family is anything but boring. I must say though, GREAT GENES. Cris the mommy, makes beautiful seedlings.

My Goal: Make beautiful, smart, tall, musically talented spawns.

What do you think about my boy being a piano playing ballerino?? The wins: Tall, lean, graceful muscles. Plus when he gets older he will thank me for the musical talent.. The boy will play a piece or two and the girl will be seduced beyond recognition. MIDAS TOUCH BABY. Literally.

WHAT!! It is not like I am going to name the kid Beauford.

Whatever... I guess compromising is half the battle right?

Well until baby time... I am quite amused with trash tv filling up my void for post college education.

P.S. John Gosselin you disappoint me. For goodness sakes you have 8 kids. Go wrap it up and eat chop che. His little girls will have the daddy abandoned me syndrome and that is the gift that keeps on giving. - Thank you Tucker Max. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. If you haven't read it go buy it. Leave it in the bathroom for the long painful sits and you will be highly amused and ultimately forget about the fire coming out of your ass.

Counter Argument : Holidays love it or hate it

Ok lets talk about commercial holidays….

I have realized especially working in retail, how cynical people can get during the holidays. One in particular being VALENTINES DAY.

Now that I have thrown that word out you have began to build either frustration or excitement in your belly. Whichever feeling or feelings I have evoked from you surely has a past and probably resides in that gastronomical universe you possess.

So in my attempt here is my perception of this wonderful holiday...Many are skeptical about.

This conversation topic is bound to be heard probably by standing in line to purchase coffee and your over hearing ears are now suddenly listening to a chick’s loud conversation about how Hallmark made a holiday and how retailers make buco bucks on ridiculous made up commercialized holidays. Not to mention, the unnecessary reasons people spend money on pink and red frou frou flowers and yada yada yada…

Well lets explore the fact that at one point in time holidays probably never really existed. But as men became “civilized” grand ideas of how we can celebrate life came into thought of a genius being.. Let’s refer to this being as “Hallmark.”

Without being bias lets just reflex on life in general and entertain that maybe these holidays are more than just spending money to indulge on the particular day but more of an appreciation… a life saver perhaps.

Lets talk about reality… Everyone who knows me knows I am not a negative person so this is very painful for me to write and bring light to. Really I’d rather be ignorant and bliss but here are the numbers.

About 75% of Americans are not happy in their jobs.

Over 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Now if you didn’t catch this cycle of misery after reading the stats… You were not paying attention. Clarification. If people aren’t happy attending their daily jobs imagine the hours of misery (at least 8) and then you go home and your spouse is Lucifer… How can one be at peace when hell is at work at Lucifer is at home?? Where the hell can that person relax and release?? EXACTLY!! This is the reason drug abuse and alcohol is running rapid through the veins of many many Americans… This explains the old people out and about on a Friday and Saturday night still holding on to their prime years thinking they look good in stilettos and velvet suits!!..... Really!! Life must be painful cause it is very painful for me to look at such a distasteful sight!!! OMG sorry I digress.

Back to commercial holidays... In a perfect world everyone would have a fully functional balance of a great job and an amazing relationship, but as Summer says “Life happens…” So these holidays Valentines, St. Patrick’s, Christmas, New Years… All of these are strategically placed on our calendar as an outlet of release. It gives us a reason to take a step back (not be so miserable cause I strongly believe the grass is not so much greener on the other side) and really appreciate the person(s) in our life. Plus if work doesn’t give you time off for Valentines then they will for Easter… Its kind of like a give and take to keep our sanity. I think “Hallmark” was genius for coming up with amazing, ridiculous, commercialized holidays… because when you really think about it. We as humans (although many of our alter egos would never admit) are ungrateful and a tad bit selfish. But because of these holidays it opens up a part in people to appreciate the time off or the little presents they give or get. Think about it… When was the last time you told someone how special he or she is? Holidays give us a reason to give our fellow employees hugs and treats and hopefully a reason to get just a little drunky drunk and have amazing hot…. Say goodbye to the argument of ridiculous made up holidays because when you think about it… These days are the reason we are all somewhat sane.

True or True..