Different Wavelengths

Sound vs Color

Wavelengths of which determine the nature of various forms of radiant energy.

I've come to the conclusion that socially inept individuals are people I don't understand. They are people who operate on completely different wavelengths and have reasons as to why they aren't capable of creating their desires. Which makes sense, how can one create their desirable environment at any given place and time when they haven't mastered being a chameleon?

I don't understand how people don't adapt to their environments

Spectators vs Entertainers

Personality issue

Edification

Power of seduction

Save my sanity

Restraint or lack thereof

Happy New You. I MEAN ME!!!

I have a tradition. I'm a visual person. It is vital for me to write my goals out for the year so that I can see them. It isn't enough for me to hear you, or taste you, or even touch you. I need to see you ALL the time. I don't believe people when they say.. "my goals are in my head." NO WAY. I'm sorry but I manage people. I'm not saying I'm the best manager in the entire universe because I'm not. I'm saying I've worked around many people old, young, professional, motivated, whatever.. and the common thread I have noticed is that people love to say, "I have my report in my head, I'll write it out later." Later never comes and the adage, better late than never is not something I would be proud to say out loud.

My point:

I have to document and post my goals I want to create for the year. It creates a sense of accountability for me. I've no longer entertained these ideas in my little world but have brought light to it in this vast universe we temporarily reside in. It pains me to read something everyday and not do anything to move the meter towards accomplishing it.

I take pride in my everyday being and yes I have days where I am severely unhinged but hey I'm human and what can you expect from flawed creatures except to fail. The difference between someone I want to ensure close proximity to is whether or not they rise when faltered.

I am convinced the most important trait a human being can possess is resiliency and adaptability. Synapses transfer information, red blood cells carry O2, antibodies ward off infections, synovial fluid greases our joints only to empower us to get that ass moving. Hey, what is a visit to the gym without lunges?? Makes sense right?

I have said time and time again I will control my shopping habit, be single, and be happy doing so.

Within that sentence holds power beyond me. I am a sucker for fashion and for a man's presence. Now without one I unconsciously fuel the other.

I rang in 2011 without a man to kiss or credit cards to place into collections. I am PROUD to say I have been single for approximately 4 months now. I have not been single for longer than 1 month since I was 16 years old. I refuse to settle for anyone. I will only accept marriage if I am head over heels, my palms get sweaty, my smile goes from ear to ear, I blush all the time kind of love. For me marriage is a sacred sanction and it is absolutely imperative I have the above happen to me before I am exchanging vows.

Now what I am struggling to maintain is my happiness without a man at the moment. I am learning that although I love myself and won't down grade I am still green at the being by oneself at all times era.

ABC.

Always

Be

Creating

I always create my mood. I always create my outcome. I am in control of what happens to me and how I handle situations. I have never believed that my destiny is a predetermined path that I cannot change. However, I am convinced I have a plan to fulfill. I believe my journey through this thing called life is a multiple choice test. The answers are predetermined but it is my power to choose them. The roads I take lead me to my ultimate outcome, which in the end through the tribulations I face set me up to endure and enjoy the story I've created.

This year I am creating a revised SPM. The essence of my being will be strengthened by experiencing moments by myself. I'm making a commitment to enjoy me and all the shit and glory that comes with it because for the first time ever in my 26 years of life I haven't held my own hand.

Everyone has grandiose items on their bucket list which don't get me wrong is great to have, but one item I know many people neglect to acknowledge is the mere fact of loving and being happy with oneself. Which raising the question, "how can I love you if I don't love myself?"

2011 will be my year to rediscover me in my mid to late twenties.. Notice how I used the word late in the previous sentence.. AHHHAHHA.

HELLO WORLD, HOW I LOVE THEE.

Lets make it a memorable year.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY

I am currently on the precipice of a half a century crisis. My love life, my job, and my confidence are taking a downward plummet into oblivion. WHY!!!!!!! The constant nag of my inner voice needs to shut the hell up. Yes, I am attached to attention and fiend for it constantly. Yes, I feel inadequate compared to the counterparts I work with. Yes, I don't know how to act as a single women. What the hell do I do next? During times of distress and uncertainty my auto-pilot kicks in and I want to fly away. I want to kaiak to an abandoned island away from pompous, pretentious, ugly people whose only purpose in life is to tear people's buildings down (specifically MINE) in order to fulfill their void of acceptance. They were probably the kids in class that was bullied and laughed at. They must have had exceptional thoughts of how they would achieve revenge from their antagonists therefore, plotting their attack in adulthood. URGH. Slowly but surely I am learning to be. I am faced with adversity at every turn. BUT! I am calling an end to my pity party. HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! HALLELUJAH!! I will admit. I have never experienced such an awful trifecta. I'm not saying bad, annoying, extremely lonely moments won't come. Which I am sure they are lining up to strike me at any time. What I am saying is that I will overcome the turbulence quickly. Either I control my spectrum of emotions or I turn to substances that will numb me temporarily until I accept defeat. The latter is not an option. However, I will douse myself into activities that will challenge and kick my ass for the most part. The goal is not necessarily to be the best at it but to simply finish it. For me to say, "yup I did it and I loved each agonizing step to the end" is like stuffing deluxe chili cheese fries in my mouth. Oh the pain! Especially when I associate "fast" and all food (BIG MAC MEAL) with great company and happy times in a parking lot shoving the food down my throat and smiling at the same time. It is definitely a mind blowing experience.

Cheers

Hello again,

I know. I have ignored you on my bookmark bar forever and now I feel it is appropriate for me to start embracing you again. Things have changed drastically since the last time I was on and for the most part it is for the better.

I struggle with my feelings. They arise at any moment throughout my day and it doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, it comes. Most of the time it isn't welcomed nor have I built up my endurance to keep my breath steady and let the moment pass. It is definitely a creeper and man oh man it takes me on a whirlwind ride.

Speaking about creepers.... Last night I have never in my entire 26 years of living has ever experience such a travesty until now.

Location: Downtown

Destination: Parking Garage

My bestie and I were waiting to get into an elevator. We waited for the big group of people to go ahead of us. I made us wait for the next one, thinking about how I can't stand small spaces with different people breathing the same recycled air. EWWWW...

BIG MISTAKE.

As IBZ chats away (thank god she did) a guy came from no where and literally posted himself about an arms length away as he stared fiercely at both of us. This isn't any kind of stare either, this was the kind where it makes your skin crawl and you feel violated because the guy never blinks. This stare is the kind where you can feel his thoughts encircle you as he manifests it in his mind. I decided to ignore it since the elevator came quickly and we all got in. Well as she keeps talking I am more than aware that this guy is dangerous. I can hear him laugh to himself and mutter things under his breath. Time has never passed so slowly. I felt like I was in a scary movie. My fight/flight response was immediately in alert I was scared. I could feel his being. It was forceful and evil. The doors open and hand in hand with IBZ I force our way out of the elevator. It was halfway open and I pushed us through. Thank god there were people on the floor because as we walked he followed. He followed us to the car. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I have never been so terrified. I don't watch many scary movies but I felt this scene was right out of one. As we got in the car he stayed a couple feet back and just watched us drive away. I couldn't even make eye contact with him because he was so demonic. His presence was nothing I have ever encountered. As we rounded the corner he started walking away.

Buddy system works only if you are with guys. Two girls only create a greater opportunity.

What blows my mind is that this guy "looked" normal. There were no signs of being a creeper from his attire or look. All I know is that this will never happen ever again.

Boiling Point

Dear Lie,

I wear glasses to hide my puffy tired eyes. Allergies? Tears.

I down 2 shots of espresso daily. Lack of sleep? Emotionally Drained.

High blood pressure. Runs in the family.. My body is fighting with me.

Nag. All I want is some fucking attention. Maybe a conversation about the future. Maybe something we can both plan for and run away to.

Crazy. I feel like I speak to a wall.

Happy. Only with the surface.

Disappointed. Daily. The important questions and answers are spoken lightly.

Patience. Running thin.

Consideration. Flew out the window.

2 weeks. Test.

2 years. Breaking point.

Therapy: Details in the fabric. Thank you Jason Mraz.

Tonight. Silence.

Fuck is such an ugly word. It brings too many visuals to mind. It is a word that encompasses many meanings. When you attach a you to the end of fuck then it is the ultimate low blow. It is complete disrespect with no regard of how the other person feels. I would rather be called a bitch than have someone say fuck you.

Maybe I should practice fueling the fire.

FUCK YOU

GREAT FIND

This thing called the Internet is amazing... the virtual world at my fingertips??? I can't imagine not being able to find anything. Unfortunately, I am not a surfer and could care less looking to entertain myself in this big ole' cyber world. I did google myself but that is the farthest my curiosity will take me.

Yes I will be an old geezer mad at apple for complicating everything and taking over the world.

But I must admit this website fully satisfies my technologically savvy self.... **drum roll please*** stumbleupon.com

It has a list of random topics you can choose from. Particularly topics you are interested in such as photography, fashion, self improvement, politics... whatever. then you click on the stumble upon button and it takes you to pages regarding the topic you choose!!! It is genius! I can stumble for hours!

This website fulfills me. Or should I say completes me... A perfect segway to Tool Academy.

Now if you did not see the episode of Tool Academy circling around infidelity... YOU HAVE TO especially when you have a tough day at work or traffic pissed you off.. WHY? Because when that guy cries all of his facial muscles turn against him cause holy hell he is hilarious looking. Sorry my empathetic side lacks tactfulness which is a huge reason I cannot pursue anything in which I must overly take concern for other people. Cause honestly if you look ridiculous I have to leave the room and laugh quietly in the hallway...

Trust me you watch him, your day will be 100% brighter.

Mercy Me

Acting a certain way certainly isn't conducive to what a persons morals and values may be. But then again tap dancing for show isn't a great way to earn a living either. Tonight I learned that not everyone will be my personal cheerleader nor will I be one for others but what really hit home for me is how easily hurt I can be not from the blows of a fist but from a sharp tongue.

Whether it is true or false I am victim to thoughts in my head as well as others about me. Being a master controller of what flows in and out of my cerebrum isn't quite an easy job and sometimes gets the best of me.

Tonight is the first night in my big girl shoes that I drove home in a puddle of tears but as I think and absorb the events. I realize that everyone can be a friend but very few people can have the title of trust. What really blows my mind is that for the first time in my life I feel like I'm on the other side of the fence. I'm still new at this game of chess but misdirection is a bitch and building a golden bridge for the enemy to retreat is sweet victory..

Oh mercy to whom has awaken the sleeping dragon