Well first of all I hate how people don't know how to fix a problem I just don't get it. Is it so hard to talk things out and maybe get to the root of the problem instead of fixing the symptoms fix the cause?!!!!! Why is it such a mystery?!! Especially for my bf whom I fight on a periodical basis with. Has he not fully learned how to solve a squabble yet!!! For goodness gracious I have alleviated all efforts in not bringing it up when we are in public but for some reason when we talk about it privately now his solution seems to be.. Well I fixed it so its not my problem its yours. WTF!
Well 2nd of all if its my problem then automatically it is yours too. And instead of concentrating on why I'm upset why don't we concentrate on fixing what makes me upset.
OMG I just don't understand what I should do cause if I ignore my feelings then I'm not being genuine but then again it may build to a point where a potential bomb may explode. But if I address the situation and my feelings then it establishes our expectations and how to fix it and what to do or fix or it solidifies that I am a crazy neurotic gf who thinks "that" all the time. So either way I seem crazy or I don't know anymore what makes me most upset is his lack of effort to address the situation in hopes that maybe I'll just drop it.
So it makes me think well... I guess I should just care less. Maybe then I won't be so sensitive and whatever happens well.... whatevers clever right??? Maybe I take things toooo seriously. Maybe I just cry for no reason cause its not like I wake him from his slumber as I type furiously and sniffle sneeze every so often.
And what is crazy is in the midst of my fury I'm reading a book where this statement clearly defines me perfectly... Great timing holy shit.
..."If i love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
The author states she has been involved with a guy each overlapping the next for the past 19 years.. Me each overlapping the next for a decade now...
I almost shite myself reading. This is how I have always been.
I know its taking a toll on my perspective because once happy now am a bit cynical not fully but increasingly more and more as time passes.
Honestly one day I may just fuck it all and leave. Once my breaking point is reached this time I may just be that girl who hates all men good or bad I don't care. And believe me if you know me I would never say or react like this ever about relationships or men.
I'm a hopeless romantic who believes in fair tale endings.. now I'm scared to admit they actually may not exist. The biggest surprise ever is that after I stop giving a shit I'm not interested in another new penis at all.. I may be learning how to love loneliness in the near future.
omg I love that passage from that book. But Sammy we have to fight every little cell in our body has to fight to not be THAT woman, who caters to our significant other. I don't care if we hit the Holy Grail of penis' or charm, no one deserves to rob us of our self-worth or integrity. Once you agree with that passage there should be a light bulb with the words EXIT blinking non-stop in your head. But of course, we are confusing beings I know that. But I feel that you need to understand yourself, the Sammy-core in order to let the other counterpart, whoever "he" may be, share you. Because of course you are sharing you, with yourself that is. I love how we switch places in our lives, I am now the Sammy and you are Meg. Interesting.
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